Superbowl Sunday, a little after 10 pm, I have to be up at 5....I should be in bed. It's been one hell of a weekend though and I'm nowhere near. I don't know why I'm even typing this, but I have to get this out somewhere so why the hell not. It helps to ramble in writing sometimes.

Superbowl weekend is always great. It's beer, football, and parties. It's man's heaven. So of course we have a party. Lots of people, including those I don't even know, lots of drinks for all, lots of laughs. It was great. But then it hit the fan again. I broke up with my girlfriend. Again. The party is done, everyone's bedding down and she tells me we should go to sleep...but she's going to sleep on the couch. That was just the last thing I could take. There'd been a long line of frustrations and annoyances, and while this time around was infinitely better than the last, it still just didn't work.

I'm a patient man for the most part. I like to think I'm an understanding person and that I'm a forgiving person....In other words I can put up with a lot of shit. But things just pile on one after another and even I have my breaking point. I just didn't understand and I still don't. How can a person be so caring one minute and then so cold? The short comments, the unreturned phone calls, the lies... I don't know. I just don't get it. I've broken it off three times now, and this time I really think it's the last.

She says she doesn't know who she is and she's scared to trust anyone else. I knew that going in. I knew she had been through some rough relationships, but I knew I wasn't that kind of guy. I knew I wouldn't hurt her, I knew I would do all I could for her. I know that sounds arrogant and like just a load of bullshit, but I knew those things. I knew I'd give everything I had. And I did. I committed every single thing I had, I did things for her that I've never done for anyone else, I told her things I'd never told anyone, I put my whole being into it.

And maybe that's my problem. She told me she has commitment issues, well so do I. I just have it backwards. I explained it to her and really to myself at the same time. I think in very straightfoward lines. I see something I want. I go for it. Nothing is held back, no half measures, no reserve, it's all laid out on the table. And this was something I wanted so damned much. I did all I could, I just keep reminding myself that. I gave her everything, but it was all her decision. And maybe it was incredibly arrogant of me to think that I would be able to make her trust again. Was I just a pompous ass who believed that I could do that.

I don't think so. I've thought about that for a while and I'm not totally sure, but I don't think so. As much as I'm going to second guess myself and over-analyze the past 6 months, I know I did everything I could, I gave it all, but it's not something you can force. I was willing to give everything, but she was scared to take it.

At least it was a clean breakup this time. We sat, we talked, we're still friends. She cried, hell I won't bullshit, I did too a bit. She's sorry for this and that and so am I. We're both sorry and she knows I'll always be there for her.


I don't know what happens now, I don't know where I go from here. But that's half the fun I guess.

Here's to the unknown.